When talking about male/female relationships, the Stoic deference to the public interest over the private interest makes the distinction about how this process should run. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to make the decision for themselves as to which interest is more imperative, their own or the rest of humanity's. It is the argument of the Stoic that aligning yourself with the public interest (since we are social creatures) is one of the biggest steps towards the ultimate goal of "living in accordance with nature".
In the first section of this column, I highlighted my own failings in pursuing women with what I wanted to have for myself (beauty, sex, attention/affection, and an object of my pursuit). While it might be different from person to person, this is what I refer to when I say the private interest.
Looking at unions between men and women or even gay couples, what might we determine as the greatest benefit for the public to come out of these arrangements? From the limited number of benefits to the public I can ascertain, there are none more obvious or essential than the production and rearing of children who will contribute to and become the new face of our societies.
The next question becomes, "How do we know who will be a good mother/father?" When it comes to relationships of any kind I believe the qualities that make us good fathers, husbands, children, brothers and friends. I can list a number of virtues, but the summary would be to look for someone who has taken successful efforts to make themselves better on the inside and who takes care of the body they've been entrusted with. And don't mistake me, looking good and being healthy are not the same although healthy always looks good.
Before I continue this line of thinking any further, there is something I need to mention. Along with the public/private split in ideologies, there is another split that relates to relationships. It is about who is responsible for happiness. The person who aligns themselves with the public interest naturally must see themselves as master of their own happiness since acquiring things for themselves is not their goal. It also makes sense to me that someone who has their private interest at heart must look without themselves in order to make themselves happy. I believe this dependence on others leads to the dysfunction I often see in most relationships. My conclusion being that the reasons for entering most relationships that I see are selfish and misguided.
Where this all leads me, I'm not sure. I'm considering taking a very Christian stance of just waiting until I'm married since I'm attempting to move sex down the list. I don't really find it that difficult to abstain once I set my mind to it. The frame of mind that I believe is taking hold is one of accepting that there are two ways to approach this situation. The right way and the wrong way. And aside from some mild gratification, the wrong way really doesn't offer me much.
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