When talking about male/female relationships, the Stoic deference to the public interest over the private interest makes the distinction about how this process should run. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to make the decision for themselves as to which interest is more imperative, their own or the rest of humanity's. It is the argument of the Stoic that aligning yourself with the public interest (since we are social creatures) is one of the biggest steps towards the ultimate goal of "living in accordance with nature".
In the first section of this column, I highlighted my own failings in pursuing women with what I wanted to have for myself (beauty, sex, attention/affection, and an object of my pursuit). While it might be different from person to person, this is what I refer to when I say the private interest.
Looking at unions between men and women or even gay couples, what might we determine as the greatest benefit for the public to come out of these arrangements? From the limited number of benefits to the public I can ascertain, there are none more obvious or essential than the production and rearing of children who will contribute to and become the new face of our societies.
The next question becomes, "How do we know who will be a good mother/father?" When it comes to relationships of any kind I believe the qualities that make us good fathers, husbands, children, brothers and friends. I can list a number of virtues, but the summary would be to look for someone who has taken successful efforts to make themselves better on the inside and who takes care of the body they've been entrusted with. And don't mistake me, looking good and being healthy are not the same although healthy always looks good.
Before I continue this line of thinking any further, there is something I need to mention. Along with the public/private split in ideologies, there is another split that relates to relationships. It is about who is responsible for happiness. The person who aligns themselves with the public interest naturally must see themselves as master of their own happiness since acquiring things for themselves is not their goal. It also makes sense to me that someone who has their private interest at heart must look without themselves in order to make themselves happy. I believe this dependence on others leads to the dysfunction I often see in most relationships. My conclusion being that the reasons for entering most relationships that I see are selfish and misguided.
Where this all leads me, I'm not sure. I'm considering taking a very Christian stance of just waiting until I'm married since I'm attempting to move sex down the list. I don't really find it that difficult to abstain once I set my mind to it. The frame of mind that I believe is taking hold is one of accepting that there are two ways to approach this situation. The right way and the wrong way. And aside from some mild gratification, the wrong way really doesn't offer me much.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Philosophical Punch in the Mouth Vol. #2
The Discourses (Epictetus) Book 1: Chapter 6: Lines 37-43
"Now that you realize these things, you also should look to the faculties that you have, and say as you behold them, 'Bring on me now, O Zeus, whatever difficulty you will, for I have the means and the resources granted to me by yourself to bring honour to myself through whatever may come to pass.' - No; but you sit trembling, for fear that this or that might happen, and lamenting, and mourning, and groaning at what does happen, and then you find fault with the gods. For what is the consequence of such meanness of spirit, but impiety? And yet god has not only granted us these faculties, which enable us to endure everything that happens without being humiliated or broken by it, but, like a good king, and a true father, has given them to us free of all restraint, compulsion, or hindrance, and has put them under our complete control, not even reserving any power for himself to hinder or restrain them. Possessing these faculties in freedom and as your own, will you make no use of them, not consider what it is that you have received and from whom, but sit groaning and lamenting, some of you blind to him who gave them and not acknowledging your benefactor, and others basely resorting to complaints and accusations against god? Yet I undertake to show you that you have the equipment and resources for greatness of soul and a courageous spirit: you show me what occasion you have for complaint and reproach!"
I certainly have nothing to add to this magnificent piece of writing aside from a mere anecdote. This quotation has the singular responsibility of inspiring my spirit and intellect into the Stoic mindset.
"Now that you realize these things, you also should look to the faculties that you have, and say as you behold them, 'Bring on me now, O Zeus, whatever difficulty you will, for I have the means and the resources granted to me by yourself to bring honour to myself through whatever may come to pass.' - No; but you sit trembling, for fear that this or that might happen, and lamenting, and mourning, and groaning at what does happen, and then you find fault with the gods. For what is the consequence of such meanness of spirit, but impiety? And yet god has not only granted us these faculties, which enable us to endure everything that happens without being humiliated or broken by it, but, like a good king, and a true father, has given them to us free of all restraint, compulsion, or hindrance, and has put them under our complete control, not even reserving any power for himself to hinder or restrain them. Possessing these faculties in freedom and as your own, will you make no use of them, not consider what it is that you have received and from whom, but sit groaning and lamenting, some of you blind to him who gave them and not acknowledging your benefactor, and others basely resorting to complaints and accusations against god? Yet I undertake to show you that you have the equipment and resources for greatness of soul and a courageous spirit: you show me what occasion you have for complaint and reproach!"
I certainly have nothing to add to this magnificent piece of writing aside from a mere anecdote. This quotation has the singular responsibility of inspiring my spirit and intellect into the Stoic mindset.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The fairer sex (1 of 2)
Looking at my sexual/romantic exploits over the years, I see that I've exclusively used the desire model for how I've picked and lived with women. Obviously, there are certain traits in a companion we should want before others, but my desire model refers heavily to sexual desire and emotional desires to be fulfilled by the partner. I've always wanted to want someone. I've been so hypnotized by that feeling of transitioning from wanting someone to having someone. The bliss of allowing your imagination to picture how wonderful and pleasurable it will all be. Wanting someone to be yours forever. The evidence all points to the failure of this model. There isn't a person who ever lived on par with the cosmic and infinite pull of a man's desire unleashed.
And what better object than females to ignite this longing. At least in this country, they are ruthlessly trained from the crib to become beautiful and to capture the attention of boys and girls alike. Sadly, this show often reaches derivative where women of all ages experience terrible anxiety from their own desires to be desired. What could be a more unstable and painful arrangement than to have one desire be based on the ever-changing fickle nature of another person's want?
The question I've posed to myself being at this crossroads is, "Where do I go from here?".
For me, the first part of the answer is simple. I must totally reinvent my thoughts and actions regarding sex. Without taming this instinct, I simply will never have a good relationship with a women. The first reason being that I will choose all the wrong women. The second reason being that the relationship will revolve around the sex and doom it internally. Easier said than done, right? Not really. The opportunity exists to practice this one all day everyday. Here's how my process is working step by step:
1) Realize that my desires for sex(or anything else) are an enemy needing to be conquered. If you don't fundamentally believe that the desires are to be checked, then you're reading the wrong blog.
2) I've taken a renewable oath of chastity until the New Year. It helps to confront your desires by establishing that they won't be indulged anytime soon.
3) Masturbation. This one is a biggy. Many religious peoples believe that by masturbating we are fanning the flames of desire. And frankly, I'm not sure they're totally wrong. Personally, I find it as the means to ridding myself of my lustful thoughts. Some of us are just the 'I can barely concentrate' types. However, I find it's important to frame the activity around what the goals of it are and to try to limit the racy thoughts as much as possible.
Before I introduce an argument comparing lust and hunger, I will admit that these are not synonymous ideas since food is necessary to live whereas orgasms are not. However, I believe they play themselves out in the body and in our behavior very similarly so I believe we can apply similar principles from one to another. When both of these desires reach their boiling points, it is our imaginations for what we will need to satisfy them that take hold. The job then becomes to accept less than what we imagine or in some cases to accept nothing. With food, we can see the simplicity of eating a simple sandwich and a piece of fruit rather than a three course meal. With sex, often we have to have the strength in many cases to do without. And what I've done with masturbation is to reduce my viewing of porn by 90 plus percent. I have no other conclusion than the images in porn stir the imagination and inflate the desires. Opposed to trying to inflate desires, I frame the experience as an act to help eliminate and repress the desires. Humorously, I've found it near impossible to eliminate some fantasizing. This part being what I interpret religious people have issue with. Folks, it's clear to me that we can't control some of the thoughts we have come into our head from our imaginations. Our job is to limit them and to not indulge them.
4) The last step is to re-train my eye. This will be the most difficult. I will be honest and admit that my eye is used to looking at and evaluating women as sexual objects.It's so automatic at this point that I've barely scratched the surface here. The only progress I've made is by not allowing myself to continue staring at someone I've spotted. I'll get back to you on this one.
Part 2 will take us away from eliminating old, bad habits and talk about creating new, good ones.
And what better object than females to ignite this longing. At least in this country, they are ruthlessly trained from the crib to become beautiful and to capture the attention of boys and girls alike. Sadly, this show often reaches derivative where women of all ages experience terrible anxiety from their own desires to be desired. What could be a more unstable and painful arrangement than to have one desire be based on the ever-changing fickle nature of another person's want?
The question I've posed to myself being at this crossroads is, "Where do I go from here?".
For me, the first part of the answer is simple. I must totally reinvent my thoughts and actions regarding sex. Without taming this instinct, I simply will never have a good relationship with a women. The first reason being that I will choose all the wrong women. The second reason being that the relationship will revolve around the sex and doom it internally. Easier said than done, right? Not really. The opportunity exists to practice this one all day everyday. Here's how my process is working step by step:
1) Realize that my desires for sex(or anything else) are an enemy needing to be conquered. If you don't fundamentally believe that the desires are to be checked, then you're reading the wrong blog.
2) I've taken a renewable oath of chastity until the New Year. It helps to confront your desires by establishing that they won't be indulged anytime soon.
3) Masturbation. This one is a biggy. Many religious peoples believe that by masturbating we are fanning the flames of desire. And frankly, I'm not sure they're totally wrong. Personally, I find it as the means to ridding myself of my lustful thoughts. Some of us are just the 'I can barely concentrate' types. However, I find it's important to frame the activity around what the goals of it are and to try to limit the racy thoughts as much as possible.
Before I introduce an argument comparing lust and hunger, I will admit that these are not synonymous ideas since food is necessary to live whereas orgasms are not. However, I believe they play themselves out in the body and in our behavior very similarly so I believe we can apply similar principles from one to another. When both of these desires reach their boiling points, it is our imaginations for what we will need to satisfy them that take hold. The job then becomes to accept less than what we imagine or in some cases to accept nothing. With food, we can see the simplicity of eating a simple sandwich and a piece of fruit rather than a three course meal. With sex, often we have to have the strength in many cases to do without. And what I've done with masturbation is to reduce my viewing of porn by 90 plus percent. I have no other conclusion than the images in porn stir the imagination and inflate the desires. Opposed to trying to inflate desires, I frame the experience as an act to help eliminate and repress the desires. Humorously, I've found it near impossible to eliminate some fantasizing. This part being what I interpret religious people have issue with. Folks, it's clear to me that we can't control some of the thoughts we have come into our head from our imaginations. Our job is to limit them and to not indulge them.
4) The last step is to re-train my eye. This will be the most difficult. I will be honest and admit that my eye is used to looking at and evaluating women as sexual objects.It's so automatic at this point that I've barely scratched the surface here. The only progress I've made is by not allowing myself to continue staring at someone I've spotted. I'll get back to you on this one.
Part 2 will take us away from eliminating old, bad habits and talk about creating new, good ones.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Bullying
The recent rash of suicides among children that were inspired by their problems with being teased/harassed by their peers is something that needs to be discussed in relation to Stoicism. I have a few points of contention with the reaction that I mostly see regarding this issue. The focus is entirely upon trying to stop or reform those doing the harassing. The first problem being that this isn't a behavior that will ever disappear (yes, I appreciate and support the efforts to limit that behavior) and the second being that you're only addressing half the participants. More specifically, we're accepting the shaky premise that the victims of bullying are exactly that, victims. What a shame to think of other human beings as being so helpless as to have no other recourse against the verbal taunting of pubescent children save killing themselves.
Let's take a look at this situation in a factual manner before we move ahead any further. Children A thru Y say or post online a host of ill-intentioned and ill-natured insults to Child Z. Child Z has negative judgments about the nature of the insults. These judgments lead to emotional pain and other fresh judgments about his/her situation in life. The pain from the judgment about insults and the pain from new judgments (I'm not a good person or I have no way to escape or no one cares about me) becomes so extreme that Child Z judges that life isn't as valuable as escaping this pain and ends his/her life.
I will say that most children, without the proper guidance, will naturally not accept insults graciously. But the point of the previous paragraph was to illustrate the responsibility that Child Z had in the process that lead to his/her suicide. By responsibility, I am not pinning blame for being the recipient of the insults but for the manner in which he/she responds to them or thinks about them. What I really feel is that these children have been let down by the adults in their life who have not had the combination of wisdom and conviction needed to prepare these children for what they will face in life.
And what wisdom do I refer to? The wisdom that says:
- Are the things people say about me even true? If not, why do I let it bother me? If someone called you a horse, you would think them equally foolish to what they said.
- Do I respect the person who is the source of the insult? If they are lacking wisdom and character, I would only be putting myself on their level to let their insults affect me. Also, if someone who is uninformed says something I am or do is wrong then there is a good chance it is right!
- Instead of being angry or upset with those who insult us, we should feel sorry for them that this is what they have lowered themselves to.
- The things people say about us are not insulting unless we decide they are. We all agree we have a right to our opinion. So make it one that helps instead of hurts. Sticks and stones....
And when you can become convinced of some of these ideas, then let it show with your reaction. Laugh off one insult while ignoring another.
Let's take a look at this situation in a factual manner before we move ahead any further. Children A thru Y say or post online a host of ill-intentioned and ill-natured insults to Child Z. Child Z has negative judgments about the nature of the insults. These judgments lead to emotional pain and other fresh judgments about his/her situation in life. The pain from the judgment about insults and the pain from new judgments (I'm not a good person or I have no way to escape or no one cares about me) becomes so extreme that Child Z judges that life isn't as valuable as escaping this pain and ends his/her life.
I will say that most children, without the proper guidance, will naturally not accept insults graciously. But the point of the previous paragraph was to illustrate the responsibility that Child Z had in the process that lead to his/her suicide. By responsibility, I am not pinning blame for being the recipient of the insults but for the manner in which he/she responds to them or thinks about them. What I really feel is that these children have been let down by the adults in their life who have not had the combination of wisdom and conviction needed to prepare these children for what they will face in life.
And what wisdom do I refer to? The wisdom that says:
- Are the things people say about me even true? If not, why do I let it bother me? If someone called you a horse, you would think them equally foolish to what they said.
- Do I respect the person who is the source of the insult? If they are lacking wisdom and character, I would only be putting myself on their level to let their insults affect me. Also, if someone who is uninformed says something I am or do is wrong then there is a good chance it is right!
- Instead of being angry or upset with those who insult us, we should feel sorry for them that this is what they have lowered themselves to.
- The things people say about us are not insulting unless we decide they are. We all agree we have a right to our opinion. So make it one that helps instead of hurts. Sticks and stones....
And when you can become convinced of some of these ideas, then let it show with your reaction. Laugh off one insult while ignoring another.
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