Looking at my sexual/romantic exploits over the years, I see that I've exclusively used the desire model for how I've picked and lived with women. Obviously, there are certain traits in a companion we should want before others, but my desire model refers heavily to sexual desire and emotional desires to be fulfilled by the partner. I've always wanted to want someone. I've been so hypnotized by that feeling of transitioning from wanting someone to having someone. The bliss of allowing your imagination to picture how wonderful and pleasurable it will all be. Wanting someone to be yours forever. The evidence all points to the failure of this model. There isn't a person who ever lived on par with the cosmic and infinite pull of a man's desire unleashed.
And what better object than females to ignite this longing. At least in this country, they are ruthlessly trained from the crib to become beautiful and to capture the attention of boys and girls alike. Sadly, this show often reaches derivative where women of all ages experience terrible anxiety from their own desires to be desired. What could be a more unstable and painful arrangement than to have one desire be based on the ever-changing fickle nature of another person's want?
The question I've posed to myself being at this crossroads is, "Where do I go from here?".
For me, the first part of the answer is simple. I must totally reinvent my thoughts and actions regarding sex. Without taming this instinct, I simply will never have a good relationship with a women. The first reason being that I will choose all the wrong women. The second reason being that the relationship will revolve around the sex and doom it internally. Easier said than done, right? Not really. The opportunity exists to practice this one all day everyday. Here's how my process is working step by step:
1) Realize that my desires for sex(or anything else) are an enemy needing to be conquered. If you don't fundamentally believe that the desires are to be checked, then you're reading the wrong blog.
2) I've taken a renewable oath of chastity until the New Year. It helps to confront your desires by establishing that they won't be indulged anytime soon.
3) Masturbation. This one is a biggy. Many religious peoples believe that by masturbating we are fanning the flames of desire. And frankly, I'm not sure they're totally wrong. Personally, I find it as the means to ridding myself of my lustful thoughts. Some of us are just the 'I can barely concentrate' types. However, I find it's important to frame the activity around what the goals of it are and to try to limit the racy thoughts as much as possible.
Before I introduce an argument comparing lust and hunger, I will admit that these are not synonymous ideas since food is necessary to live whereas orgasms are not. However, I believe they play themselves out in the body and in our behavior very similarly so I believe we can apply similar principles from one to another. When both of these desires reach their boiling points, it is our imaginations for what we will need to satisfy them that take hold. The job then becomes to accept less than what we imagine or in some cases to accept nothing. With food, we can see the simplicity of eating a simple sandwich and a piece of fruit rather than a three course meal. With sex, often we have to have the strength in many cases to do without. And what I've done with masturbation is to reduce my viewing of porn by 90 plus percent. I have no other conclusion than the images in porn stir the imagination and inflate the desires. Opposed to trying to inflate desires, I frame the experience as an act to help eliminate and repress the desires. Humorously, I've found it near impossible to eliminate some fantasizing. This part being what I interpret religious people have issue with. Folks, it's clear to me that we can't control some of the thoughts we have come into our head from our imaginations. Our job is to limit them and to not indulge them.
4) The last step is to re-train my eye. This will be the most difficult. I will be honest and admit that my eye is used to looking at and evaluating women as sexual objects.It's so automatic at this point that I've barely scratched the surface here. The only progress I've made is by not allowing myself to continue staring at someone I've spotted. I'll get back to you on this one.
Part 2 will take us away from eliminating old, bad habits and talk about creating new, good ones.
I once heard a Theravada Buddhist monk say that when he saw a beautiful woman he allowed himself the first glance but refrained from taking a second look. Very similar to your solution.
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